I don't know

       I don’t know what to write. My head is empty. I’m sitting, looking at the keyboard and I’m not sure what to write. Usually I have a lot of to say but not today. My sister left, I’m not going to see her for another year or maybe even longer. Who knows. For the first time I didn’t cry. I guess I don’t have tears anymore. As you know, I cry a lot over a lot of things and I don’t have tears yet. They will probably come back because I know I will need them. 

Run away.

          Do you have that time in your life where you just want to pack a bag and run away? Far away from home, far away from friends and family, far away from the problems. I don’t think I’m the only person who wants it, especially when the time gets rough and there is no other way out. Sometimes you can’t take the pain anymore, sometimes you are tired of all the problems, sometimes you just need some time alone. Just run away. 

          It’s easy to talk about running away but it’s hard to run away. Especially when you are young and you have nowhere to run. We might talk about running away and thinking we can actually do it, but can we? I know a lot of people who said they are going to do it in this moment but they never did. Why? Because they are still kids. They have no money, no car, no plan. 

          But also running away may cause harm to other people. You know, there are people who care about you and depend on you. Maybe you don’t see them, but they are there. You might be their motivation or inspiration. You always matter to someone. You have to remember that.

          Maybe instead running away, you should take the person you love the most and depend on, and go together somewhere. Forget about problems, reality. Just be in a fairytale together. In my opinion, it is a great idea. Being with the person I love the most would make me forget about the things I’m struggling with. It would make me smile and laugh, bring me joy and happiness. Only one person can do it…

Him.

          You can love and hate the same person at the same time. I love him to death and I wouldn’t exchange him for anyone else. But every person has advantages and disadvantages. There are bunch of stuff that I just love about him, like no other person has them. It’s special and unique. But there are also stuff that I hate so much.

          Of course. Nobody is perfect. I’m not perfect either but you need to have some type of control of yourself. Don’t you think? If someone that cares about you, tells you to stop doing some things. You should listen and at least TRY to change it. I know, people’s opinions shouldn’t matter. You are, who you are. But if the person you love and care about says you are doing something wrong, you should consider it.  

          What I really hate about him? He gets mad for every stupid thing. Literally every stupid thing. He does something and I can’t get mad, but when I do the same thing, he doesn’t talk to me. Like seriously? He gets mad for something he shouldn’t be mad. It’s just stupid and annoying. How is this going to work, if he can’t control himself? I mean, we almost made a year together… But our relationship is known as arguing all the time. When I tell my friends, he got mad and we argued, they would be like “Can you find someone else? Like why don’t you break with him?” I do complain about his character and about his anger problems, but...

         Do you have that feeling? When you love someone, every time you look at them when they smile or laugh, it hurts inside. You are looking at that person and you want more of them, you want to have them for yourself all the time, you just want to grab that person and cuddle forever. I can’t even describe this feeling. It’s just love.  I’m hoping one day he will change to the guy I fell in love a year ago. 

Me.

I’m not a person that likes to talk about yourself. I prefer to keep those things to myself. If someone gets to know me better, then sure I open up. I tell people some things about me. Sometimes it turns out those people are fake… But whatever. For a long time I’m struggling with myself and I need to write all my thoughts down. I don’t care if someone reads it or not. I just want to publish it and let it be. Maybe it will happen that someone has the same problems as me and that person will want to talk to me about it. Who knows. Everything is possible right?

All I can say about myself is that my name is Alexandria. I’m in High School. I have a boyfriend. Few friends. Family. I’m obsessed with writing, motorcycles and volleyball. I’m polish, hey! Yeah, kind of proud. See, that’s the thing. I don’t know what to say about myself. It’s like I don’t know who I am. Maybe it’s easier for me when someone asks questions. I don’t know.